Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Truth [v1.3]

As much as I really do enjoy creating a fun, creative, happy environment for you all to read and for me to write, having this outlet to also let you all know the more serious issues in my life is much appreciated.  <-Therefore, if you're not up for reading about our continued fertility problems, check back again tomorrow!  I'll have cheered up by then.

As you all know, I first had a huge unveiling of the fact that we've been trying for [now] over two years to conceive and expand our family.  Result: diagnosed with possibly endometriosis.  Next, I shared that even though we do want children eventually, we're perfectly fine ignoring the expectations of others and just being us four for now.  But that we also would like to see if there's something wrong so that we know what we're facing in the future.

The rest of this actually doesn't have much to do with conception or issues with it.  It mostly has to do with the fact that I'm a gigantic baby and can't handle going to the doctor.

**Side note:  I recently had a conversation with my mom about how tired I am of hospitals, and how I don't want to have anymore surgeries.  "Ha!  What surgeries have you had?!  You had ear surgeries when you were five."  Compelled to come back with a legit reason why I should not want anymore surgeries, or want to deal with anymore doctors, I've comprised a list of medical issues I've faced over my lifetime:
-pneumonia, multiple times, as a child
-ear surgery on both ears
-concussion [ahem, fell of a slide in 2nd grade]
-torn meniscus in knee
-almost? fractured something in baseball.  Don't try to jump over a line drive.  Won't work.
-Teeth removed
-Braces <-can this count?
-moles removed
-fractured hip immediately after basic training
-wisdom teeth removed
-eye surgery

Take that, madre.**

In an attempt to go through with our plans, I had my ob-gyn put in a referral for a couple different tests. One was a [TMI] trans-vaginal ultrasound, which is no big deal.  Uncomfortable, but not painful.  The other was an HSG.  Oh. My. God.

An HSG [TMI] is a procedure in which they insert a catheter with a balloon at the end into your uterus.  They then inflate the balloon, causing your uterus to spread out, or something.  The whole point is that they shoot dye through the catheter to ensure tubes are still open.  Something.  I don't know.  I wasn't paying any attention at all.  Instead, I was focused on that little balloon [think the tip of a pen] in my uterus.  Since the uterus is a muscle, forcing it into an unnatural position encourages it to contract, causing menstrual like cramping in your abdomen.  Number of women who don't feel anything?  Very few.  Number of women who describe it as bad period cramps?  Majority.  Number of women who are in so much pain, they have to stop the procedure?  Hardly any.  Hardly any =  me.

I cried.  A lot.  Poor doctor just stood there patting my shoulder, trying to make me feel better.  I was mortified.  But, since there aren't any other tests to get the results, I either had to suck it up and do it again, come back another day and do it again, or just not get those results.  I sucked it up.  It happened again, and I still cried, but managed to make it through.

I wobble my way out to the hubby, and beg him to take me home.  Hours later [or so it felt] we reached the vehicle...I collapsed inside...and started crying hysterically all over again.  The pain.  The frustration.  The fact that no woman in the entire world should have to deal with something like this.  The fact that I can't complete a very natural biological chain of events.  It all just hit me, bewildering my husband, and not helping my poor uterus at all.

I'm fine now, but I'll never have an HSG done again.  It was a horribly horrible day, a break down that I haven't had the likes of in quite some time.  I like to think I needed it, but in reality, it was that ugly "you're not good enough to be a mom" monster raising up inside of me.
For those of you who may have to have one done in the future - ignore all of the above.  I'm the minority here, the one who almost passed out getting her nose pierced, the one whose skin is constantly hurting from a multitude of bruises and scrapes.  It won't happen to you.

Would anyone like to share their bad day with me?  To make me feel less like such a grump and negative person?


  1. OMG. HSG sounds like a nightmare! I have had quite a lot of medical stuff done to me, but that is not something I would like to add to the list! I just bet I would be like you and like, die. :/

    I hope tomorrow is less crap. :)

  2. Oh dear... I feel for you with this. My husband and I have been struggeling with infertility for several years as well. We are just beginning to reach the stage where we are talking about going to see a doctor about it. Here are few things I know about myself already, which makes me not want to talk to a dr anymore: 1. I do have endometriosis and 2. I have only one fallopian tube. Michael and I waffle nearly every day about whether or not to have children. Sometimes I feel so perfectly fine with our lives as they are - we have a plan to get out debt, we are happy, etc. And then these random, tearful days show up that are so bewildering - it's like I can't fathom our life without a child.

    I'm sorry the HSG was so tramatic for you. =(

  3. I'm so sorry! I was terribly scared for the HSG as well... I have to say, I popped 800mg of ibuprofen and did not feel anything. I know every woman is different though and I'm so sorry you had so much pain. I am getting on the calendar TODAY for a laparoscopy/hysteroscopy for possible endo - I have to say... I am terribly scared of these procedures. :( Thinking of you!! XO

  4. I just hate how so many people who want kids have trouble, and then people who don't care either way (ahem, Teen Mom) can pop kids out like nothing. :( It seems like it always works that way. Well, that's just shitty all around, I'm sorry you are dealing with it.
    My evening (last night) sucked because my BF was in a bad mood and his moods are contagious. A silent and early to bed night at our place. Hopefully today is better for both of us.

  5. Ugh :( I'm sorry you have to go through this! My husband and I haven't really started trying to get pregnant yet, so I can only imagine how frustrating this must be for you.

    My bad day consisted of me sitting on our bed this afternoon, completely lost in my depression, tears streaming down my face, and my husband sitting next to me, giving me his puppy dog look, because he doesn't understand it but he loves me and wishes he could kiss it away. It gets worse as the days get shorter (summer is a complete 180), so we've been here before, but man, does it suck. The good news is right now, the episodes hit hard but don't last very long- the second half of the day was much, much better.

    Here's to awesome husbands!

  6. I've been reading your blog for awhile and I just love it. I also love that you wrote this.

    I'm going through the same thing. I've been going to see a fertility specialist. It's been test, after test, after test. You know I'm not that keen on people all up in my downstairs business. I also get super snoopy people ask me time and again when I'm going to have a baby. Do I tell them that it's been the most trying and emotional time? No, I laugh it off. In my head I think never because I'm losing hope. Then there are all the people around me getting pregnant like clockwork. I'm so jealous I could scream. I think why can't I have my little family started yet? Then after I have my nuclear meltdown. I think hey life is still good. I have my fantastic husband and 2 doggies.

    There are some inspirations in my life too. A couple of lady friends who couldn't conceive as well are pregnant.

    I'm sorry that it all came to head and made you feel sad.

  7. English,
    I'm sorry for what you are going through. I truly can't imagine. We haven't tried to have kids yet but I think there is always a fear in the back of my mind that I may not be able to. I am keeping you guys in my prayers! That being said, take this as a grain of salt. I don't know a lot about endometriosis but my husband has health issues that cause him to have to eat a gluten-free diet. Because of this I spend a lot of time reading gluten-free blogs looking for recipes and such. That being said, a lot of women on these blogs also have dealt with endometriosis and have found that eating gluten free can alleviate the symptoms that come with this diagnosis as well as have seen changes in their fertility (in good ways). I don't know all the scientific evidence that comes with this, but just wanted to share this thought in case it could be of any help at all! If not, just disregard anything I've said.

  8. Oh English, you know I know oh too well what you are going through. Had I known your HSG was next, I would've warned you - take pain meds before because it is a painful mess. I feel you - that emotion of
    it really doesnt have to take all of this does it? Just know that I am with you for support if you need it. Or even if you have any questions or need some where to vent. Just know that unbearable shutting down of the body because its so much pain also happened to me. So you are not alone there. My body shut down so far from the pain that the catheter was shot across the room. They couldn't do any more. Also, just in case you need a silver lining they say that fertility goes up the next 3 cycles after having one so wishing you the best... Just here for you.

  9. bad. Forgot about the eyes, the knee, all the teeth removed, and the moles. Forgot about all of those. But I love you!!


  10. Hi! I'm a new follower!
    I had an HSG and cried too! Not hysterically, more like pitiful little tears running down my cheeks while I remained perfectly still! Poor little nurse didn't know what to do with me. And now everytime I think about that procedure (over a year ago) I literally want to throw up!

  11. I just found your blog through Friday Letters, and was reading more, when I came across this post. I don't know what you're going through, but I wanted to comment to let you know how inspired I am by your honesty! I am a new follower, and am wishing you and your husband luck and good wishes!

  12. woah that sounds horrendous i'm sorry.


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