Let's Talk [v1.6]

Katie over at State of Change recently blogged about why she doesn't give advice on parenting or marriage.  In a world where everyone seems to feel obligated to spout off their own opinion on how/why/when you should do something, it was a very refreshing take on the issue.  So, why don't we talk about it?

Part One: Ask and You Shall Receive
Is this a quote from the Bible?  Possibly.  I don't know.  I think it sounds more like a song title.
When you begin a new chapter in your life, it can be extremely overwhelming.  Graduating high school and becoming an adult, getting married, having children, moving, being a friend, etc.  They're all scenarios that vary from person to person, and if it's something that you've never dealt with before, you may need help navigating the waters.  So what do you do?  You probably head to your mom, dad, b.f.f., random person on the street wearing "I'm omniscient" on their shirt and ask them what you should do.  How do I live on my own?  How do I know he's the one?  What should I do when my three year old decides that clothes aren't their style?  Lo and behold, everyone is clamoring to have their two cents thrown in the mix.

Source: lolsotrue.com via English on Pinterest

Source: lolsotrue.com via English on Pinterest

It seems as though everyone has the best remedy for our problems.  Oh, your kid did that?  Well, in my house we do this and this.  Oh, your husband said that?  In my house, husbands don't talk.  Not to say that there isn't good advice out there; sometime asking for other opinions on a situation can lead to a great conclusion, can maintain your sanity, or could enable you to think of an option that hadn't been apparent before.  But, if you're making the move to take advice from others, be prepared to have a dozen voices talking to you at once, tons of contradicting opinions, and to face the consequences if that advice turns out not to work so well.

Part Two: Your Way Isn't My Way
In our house, dogs are treated like people, the house is never clean, and I'd save my books over my photo album.  Okay, maybe my camera would be first, but books a very close second.  In our house, my husband and I have equal say, and while our marriage isn't perfect, we work through our problems ourselves.  I honestly don't want to hear what you think about our latest argument because how you handle the situation is bound to be different than how we handle it.  When we have children, I will gladly take recommendations on baby items, along with doing my own research, but how we raise them is up to us.  I'm happy that your child is allowed to have ice cream every night because otherwise they scream; I probably wouldn't take the same route.  It's all a matter of opinion.

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I don't offer advice on this blog because I know for a fact that I'm not qualified to give it.  I make mistakes.  I'm not perfect.  I say the wrong thing constantly [which is why my husband currently thinks I love the dogs more than him; horrible wording on my part] and don't really know what I'm doing at any point in the day.  Why would you want to hear advice from someone like me?  I wish I weren't so liberal with my thoughts in the real world, but I'm learning to tame my tongue and keep my opinions to myself when it comes to relationships, kids, and doing the dishes.
What do you think?  Is advice freely welcome in your life?  Do you give advice to others, and if so, when is it appropriate to do so?

The Truth [v1.3]

As much as I really do enjoy creating a fun, creative, happy environment for you all to read and for me to write, having this outlet to also let you all know the more serious issues in my life is much appreciated.  <-Therefore, if you're not up for reading about our continued fertility problems, check back again tomorrow!  I'll have cheered up by then.

As you all know, I first had a huge unveiling of the fact that we've been trying for [now] over two years to conceive and expand our family.  Result: diagnosed with possibly endometriosis.  Next, I shared that even though we do want children eventually, we're perfectly fine ignoring the expectations of others and just being us four for now.  But that we also would like to see if there's something wrong so that we know what we're facing in the future.

The rest of this actually doesn't have much to do with conception or issues with it.  It mostly has to do with the fact that I'm a gigantic baby and can't handle going to the doctor.

**Side note:  I recently had a conversation with my mom about how tired I am of hospitals, and how I don't want to have anymore surgeries.  "Ha!  What surgeries have you had?!  You had ear surgeries when you were five."  Compelled to come back with a legit reason why I should not want anymore surgeries, or want to deal with anymore doctors, I've comprised a list of medical issues I've faced over my lifetime:
-pneumonia, multiple times, as a child
-ear surgery on both ears
-concussion [ahem, fell of a slide in 2nd grade]
-torn meniscus in knee
-almost? fractured something in baseball.  Don't try to jump over a line drive.  Won't work.
-Teeth removed
-Braces <-can this count?
-moles removed
-fractured hip immediately after basic training
-wisdom teeth removed
-eye surgery

Take that, madre.**

In an attempt to go through with our plans, I had my ob-gyn put in a referral for a couple different tests. One was a [TMI] trans-vaginal ultrasound, which is no big deal.  Uncomfortable, but not painful.  The other was an HSG.  Oh. My. God.

An HSG [TMI] is a procedure in which they insert a catheter with a balloon at the end into your uterus.  They then inflate the balloon, causing your uterus to spread out, or something.  The whole point is that they shoot dye through the catheter to ensure tubes are still open.  Something.  I don't know.  I wasn't paying any attention at all.  Instead, I was focused on that little balloon [think the tip of a pen] in my uterus.  Since the uterus is a muscle, forcing it into an unnatural position encourages it to contract, causing menstrual like cramping in your abdomen.  Number of women who don't feel anything?  Very few.  Number of women who describe it as bad period cramps?  Majority.  Number of women who are in so much pain, they have to stop the procedure?  Hardly any.  Hardly any =  me.

I cried.  A lot.  Poor doctor just stood there patting my shoulder, trying to make me feel better.  I was mortified.  But, since there aren't any other tests to get the results, I either had to suck it up and do it again, come back another day and do it again, or just not get those results.  I sucked it up.  It happened again, and I still cried, but managed to make it through.

I wobble my way out to the hubby, and beg him to take me home.  Hours later [or so it felt] we reached the vehicle...I collapsed inside...and started crying hysterically all over again.  The pain.  The frustration.  The fact that no woman in the entire world should have to deal with something like this.  The fact that I can't complete a very natural biological chain of events.  It all just hit me, bewildering my husband, and not helping my poor uterus at all.

I'm fine now, but I'll never have an HSG done again.  It was a horribly horrible day, a break down that I haven't had the likes of in quite some time.  I like to think I needed it, but in reality, it was that ugly "you're not good enough to be a mom" monster raising up inside of me.
For those of you who may have to have one done in the future - ignore all of the above.  I'm the minority here, the one who almost passed out getting her nose pierced, the one whose skin is constantly hurting from a multitude of bruises and scrapes.  It won't happen to you.

Would anyone like to share their bad day with me?  To make me feel less like such a grump and negative person?

Let's Talk [v1.5] - The negative comments edition

Okay, so it's a Tuesday and not a Saturday, and supposedly the Let's Talk series is over.  But this situation is one that most, if not all, bloggers have faced before.  I would love to hear what you think about it, and how you handle the situation when faced with it.

Part One: Anonymous 
We've all faced it before.  That one comment that can ruin an entire day, left behind by a no-name author with a grudge.  They condemn our beliefs, undermine our intentions, then disappear without a single shred of evidence to point toward who could've left such inconsiderate remarks.  The are filed under the name "Anonymous," a synonym for cowardly peeping Toms that don't have enough courage to leave their thoughts with their true identity.

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This doesn't encompass those without a Google ID, and therefore check anonymous yet leave their own name at the end.  In the blogging world, we understand that you may not use the same server as the writer.  Therefore, if you're willing to identify yourself, then this isn't about you.

Source: piccsy.com via Kendall on Pinterest

If you're a pretty involved blogger, you read the comments others leave for you.  Whether you monitor them or not; hopefully you at least check them out since the majority of readers have something decent and uplifting to say.  Then you see it.  That one comment that completely ruins your entire day, makes you want to shut down the entire blog, never write again.  That person probably knows what they've done; they know they have the power to knock you down.

Part Two:  What To Do
How do you deal with these situations?  Do you ignore it?  Reply to it?  Call them out in hopes they'll return and see your rebuttal?  Everyone is different.

A family friend, someone I've known since I was eight years old, recently had to deal with such an issue.  Her blog faces the difficulties of infertility, the joys of adoption, and the surprises that await us around every turn; in her case, the amazing ability to have two children naturally.  Recently, she announced some amazing news, which was (for the most part) very well received.  But then, Anonymous struck [see post here].  They left behind words, hurt feelings, low self-esteem.  They left behind a blogger who honestly considered ending her blogging career, despite the numbers of women who look to her for guidance and support.  With a few short sentences, they left behind chaos.

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There are so many options for coping with these predicaments.  In this case, Wendi responded with well written and detailed bullets.  She made a stand against Anonymous, despite her feelings of betrayal, to correct their misconstrued views and to rally those that actually do support her.  The sheer number of people that responded to Anonymous' comment should've drowned out those words, but we all know the negative responses are the ones that stay with us the longest.

Source: myfavoritehatemail.blogspot.com via Fake-It Frugal on Pinterest

So, how do you deal with these scenarios?  I tend to delete the negative comments and not respond.  While this blog is very open to all forms of opinions and ideas, even those that contradict my own, there is no room for blatantly mean behavior.  I especially refuse to call attention to those specific people since that's more than likely what they're wanting me to do.  Do you respond to them?  Delete the comment?  Ask for advice?  How do you get back up on your feet after such an issue?

Source: weheartit.com via Michelle on Pinterest

The Truth, v1.2

My life is going pretty well right now.  I have a husband home, taking away the hours of loneliness and boredom that plagued me for six months; I will be starting school in a few months; I've started booking more and more photography sessions; I've lost weight; I've travelled, and will be taking yet another trip next week.  I couldn't be happier having my other half by my side and experiencing Europe together at last.

But there's an niggling thought that constantly tickles the back of my mind.

If we had it our way, we'd be parents right now.  At least have a one year old; possibly younger.  Maybe we'd be due any day.  You've read about my struggles in the original Truth post, and I not only feel the desire to keep you updated, but also to talk out some of the internal struggles I've been having since that day.

First and foremost; thank you to everyone who has been so supportive.  I wrote that post to help ease the burden I had been feeling, and received comfort, encouragement, advice, and empathy in return.  I couldn't ask for anything more than to know that there are others who may not understand what I'm going through but accept me nonetheless, those who have dealt with similar issues and overcome the barriers, and the few who are still struggling by my side.  You are all such amazing women that I have the honor of knowing.

Writing out my feelings definitely helped in some ways; it was great to hear that my personal feelings aren't ones that only I have, but are shared by women in similar situations.  At the same time, it was incredibly awkward to have strangers, family, friends openly discuss my emotions.  I'm not overly confident in talking about personal feelings, and this very drastic and sudden switch in social protocol left me reeling on more than one occasion.  As uncomfortable as it all was, I did feel better talking out loud to some people.  But let me update you on my feelings about our inability to have children up til now.

As much as I do desire to have children, I've come to the realization that I'm only 24.  I have plenty of time, I'm young, I'm in Europe, and I'm content with taking care of my husband and two pups.  I honestly don't have any desire to add to my responsibilities, especially whilst we have so many travel opportunities.  Children make things difficult.  I don't like difficult, at least not right now.

I've started contemplating where this need to conceive came from, and I blame the military.  Everyone around us marries young, starts having children young, and divorces young.  They're all in such a hurry; being 24 without a kid is an anomaly in the military world, for some reason.  Once I sorted that out, I realized that the internal pressure [while it does exist] is basically nothing compared to the external pressure that I was responding to.  It doesn't help when family [ahem, MIL] constantly asks about children.  Settle down, woman.  We'll get there at some point.

I recently had a doctor's appointment to start the battle of finding out what our issue could possibly be.  I'm already lined up for a multitude of tests, x-rays, future consultations, etc., all of which are overwhelming and a constant source of worry.  And while I'm no longer in any hurry to expand our little Brownderson clan, I'm also extremely curious to know what the problem is.  I'd rather find out now than in five, ten, twenty years when it's too late.

I'm not giving up my dream.  I do still want children, and if we were to find out tomorrow that we're pregnant, I'd be overly excited.  But at the same time, I realize that our position is unique and a great opportunity.  I suppose you could say that I'm feeling conflicted.  In one hand, it's a relief to have a game plan that I can control, but I also feel as though I'm abandoning my conquest.  I know whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I also know that sitting back and not doing a single thing to help the future will just leave me disappointed.

That's that.  I'm sure a future update will occur at some point, but for now, you can bet that it'll just be the four of us for quite a while.

Let's Talk [v1.3]

I think I was supposed to talk about consumption and waste in this post, but something else has caught my attention, so will be postponing that discussion until another time.  It's still important to me, and something that weighs on my mind as the prices of goods are steadily increased, and as I'm forced to deal with recycling here in Germany.  But today, I'd like to talk about modesty instead.

Part One: Lingerie, Burka, and Somewhere In-Between

Source: iwastesomuchtime.com via English on Pinterest

Source: lolcats.icanhascheezburger.com via English on Pinterest

Our society has evolved drastically within the past century from clothing that basically covered the majority of the torso and legs, leaving possibly the arms and upper chest bare, to clothing that displays anything and everything.  Well, this is the case at least in Western Civilization.  Other cultures around the world have their own standards for modesty, leaving women everywhere to compare and contrast what is "right" or "wrong" and what is "tasteful" or "slutty."

While some women lament the change of clothing tastes and styles, other women feel liberated from the confines of strict guidelines.  All and sundry feel obligated to judge other groups based on their taste in clothing and levels of immodest presentation.  Do you think my viewpoint is an accurate depiction of the judgement war that occurs during everyday society?  What is your opinion of the differences between Western fashion trends versus some from other parts of the world?

Source: Uploaded by user via English on Pinterest

Part Two: Perception is Reality


Despite your own standards for what is appropriate to wear in public, the fact of the matter is that your thoughts on others' clothing ware is an opinion.  The woman who all but but forces those ta-tas in your face?  Her choice.  The wife that wears the burka?  Okay, maybe not completely her choice, but some women do prefer the burka over other clothes, so there is a chance she wants to wear it.  Fashion is based a lot on social norms from whatever region of the world you are based in.  In the US, it is completely normal for you to walk down a street and see a mini-dressed girl with her hoo-ha hanging out and an Amish woman completely covered in the same day.  In parts of Africa, it's the norm for women to go topless.  In Europe, it's okay for men to wear speedos.  There is no set guideline for what you can or cannot wear in the majority of human civilization.  [Yes, there are always exceptions to the rule.  Please keep in mind that we are talking about everyday wear, not clothing appropriate for school/work.]

Source: blogging2fun9415.blogspot.com via English on Pinterest

However, despite freedom of expression or freedom of opinions, people will judge and be judged by their outward appearance, and this immediate indication of what kind of person you are based on your clothes will be an basis for how you are treated.  Is it fair?  Probably not.  But it happens anyway.

Source: via English on Pinterest

Source: images.search.yahoo.com via English on Pinterest

Source: google.com via English on Pinterest

There are women who try to fight these tendencies by wearing whatever they want on the basis that they have the freedom, and what is on the inside should count more than their outward appearance.  They are absolutely right.  BUT, your promiscuous appearance does not want me to let myself or my husband anywhere close enough to get to know you.  What is your opinion on all of this?  Should a woman be judged based on her choice in fashion?  Should she expect equal and fair treatment if she wears the equivalent of a stripper's outfit?  Is the mindset you hold based on your religious tendencies, social influence, or something else?

Source: vintagedancer.com via English on Pinterest

For myself, I believe there is a happy medium somewhere between burka and bikini.  I see nothing wrong with wearing flattering outfits that show off lady curves, bare the shoulders or back, and I have an absolute love for "hooker heels".  But at the same time, my girlies don't need to be bared for anyone and everyone to see.  I don't think short shorts are flattering on anyone, nor are they appropriate.  My pants are always high enough for my shirt to cover the hem, and really can't stand seeing someone else's crack.  There is a fine line between classy and tasteless, and I try my hardest to walk my version of that line.  Best part about everything I just said?  It's my opinion, and my own personal viewpoint on what is or is not modest.  What's yours?

Source: tastytreatsathome.com via English on Pinterest

Let's Talk

I'm considering about making Let's Talk a new series on this site.  A bi-weekly addition to the blog that allows myself and all of you readers to contemplate and discuss more serious issues in our lives, rather than oohing and aahing over my awesome buffet [but you can do that, too, I promise].  I will not be letting these serious discussions take over the blog on a daily basis, but it could be nice to have outside input and differing viewpoints to compare your own with.  Would this be something that would interest all of you?  If so, please let me know, either via comment or email.  Danke!

This post has two parts, and covers a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.  I would love to hear your input on both topics, which are related, and what you practice in your own life.

Part One: The Gossip
Gossip is a battle everyone [not only women] fights.  We are taught from a young age that it is wrong to slander others behind their back, it is wrong to talk about anyone else period, especially in a negative light or by revealing trusted secrets.  Yet we are seem to be unable to stop.  Whether you are religious, atheist, woman, man, young, middle aged, elderly, Chinese, African, or from Mars; gossip is a part of our daily lives, whether we participate or are victims.

Source: Uploaded by user via Claire on Pinterest

Source: dljewels.kickme.to via Idell on Pinterest

In my honest, humble, and probably wrong opinion, I don't think that talking is always a bad thing.  Is it okay to spread rumors?  Should you repeat sworn secrets that a friend entrusted to you?  Should you belittle others to make yourself feel better, or as revenge?  Of course, no is the answer to all of those questions.  But what about the situations in which you need a second opinion, an outside source to offer a fresh point of view?  What if you have been offended by a friend, but take the matter to someone else to make sure you haven't blown it out of proportion?

gos·sip/ˈgäsip/

Noun:

Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

In the technical definition, just discussing your issues with someone else is not considered gossip.  But because these discussions can typically be one sided and extremely biased when being reported, it appears to be a very fine line, and can often be misconstrued by other parties.  Is it still okay?

Source: stockmarkettips2.blogspot.com via Vernetta on Pinterest

In all honesty, I do bring my troubles concerning someone to an outside source, mostly to make sure I am not being overdramatic.  But there are definitely time when I am feeling vicious, and make malicious comments about others out of anger or high emotion.  I'm not proud of this, and work on curbing my tongue daily.  I know how it feels to be talked about unkindly, and have heard quite a few outrageous rumors in the past.  I try to live by a standard I set for others, but sometimes what is right loses to what feels right at the time.  Do you battle the gossip nature?  How do you handle it?  What is your approach when a friend starts talking about rumors/unproven facts?

Part Two: Husband & Wife

In our house, I tell my husband everything.  Doesn't matter whether he wants to know or not, he's going to hear it [although in his defense, hearing and listening are two different things, so he may not know half of what I think he does...].  If I have a problem, have a story, hear something amazing, see something awkward, feel confused; el hubbo is the first person I want to run to, and usually do.

Source: dailymail.co.uk via English on Pinterest

I read on Facebook the other day [it all comes back to Facebook, huh?] the status of a woman who is recently divorced, and complaining about an unnamed married lady who told her husband private information about the divorced woman.  There was actually a huge debate going on [which I followed with unabashed interest] on whether this is okay or wrong; are there things you shouldn't tell your significant other?  In the original woman's opinion, you shouldn't tell your husband anything.  Her opinion may have been a little tainted by her experience being married, though.  Other women, married/unmarried/young/old, all differed.  Some said that there should be no walls period in a relationship; others said that some things are best left unsaid; and the rest felt as though friendship and marriage should be completely separate.

To be clear, this is not a discussion on whether you should tell your partner everything about yourself, your history, what you had for lunch today, whether or not you should have children; that is all a matter of personal preference and pillow talk.  This is dealing with gossip.  Should you or should you not tell your partner everything you know about your friends?

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While I tell hubby most things, I never try to incorporate a friend's personal activities/feelings into the conversation.  If someone lets me know that they have to see a marriage counselor for relationship issues, but specifically requests that I tell no one including my husband, then your secret is safe with me.  If you let me know that you're planning on buying a puppy, I might just tell him.  Mostly because I like dogs, and get excited when someone else buys one.  And in relation to part one, I often tell him my problems or issues with others so he can help sort out what is legitimate, and what I'm taking too far.  If you haven't guessed, I'm quite hot headed, and can boil over at the tiniest thing.  Sorry, friends.

I probably do tell my husband too much about my friends, and definitely more than he would like to hear, but I also try my hardest to respect their unspoken wish if it is something they would not like to be known.  How does your relationship work with your partner?  Am I wrong in my habits?  Do you think gossip can be detrimental to a marriage [in the respect of bringing outside gossip into the home.  Talking about your personal life to friends is a conversation for another day].  

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