This post may or may not make much sense. It's an outpouring of words that have been cooped up for quite a while, and my eyes hurt too much to proofread. Apologies if it's whacky!
It's hard to believe that almost a year ago, I wrote a post describing our journey to try and start a family, and labeled in The Truth. We've had ups and downs, but mostly I just try not to talk about it too much. Who wants to listen to the whiney ginger go on about how angry she is? No one. I know this. But, since I receive so many encouraging emails and questions from curious readers, it's time to write a quick update about where we are in our effort to have a child.
If you don't know, Timmy deployed this past January on a short notice jaunt to the desert. 3 weeks notice. Not enough time to plan! But we had one more opportunity to really try to conceive. I'm sure you may be thinking of a certain post where I touched on how I'm not pushing to get pregnant anymore because we enjoy having time to do the things we like, but sometimes feelings change. Reasons why we were ready to make it happen before he left: 1) He would for sure be here when the baby was born. 2) I have a part time job, which would help us save up enough in the financial department to ensure we could provide the things we want to for a newborn. 3) My family is coming out for Christmas this year, so they would for sure get to see it. 4) Timmy finally told me how he feels about all of this. His decision? If we aren't pregnant by the time we leave Germany, then we're adopting.
These are just some reasons. The rest are internal, too hard to describe with mere words, on top of this timeline that we've given ourselves to make our dreams happen. Needless to say, I'm feeling the pressure.
But. It didn't work.
I'm not pregnant; no surprise there. We've spent 2 years and 8 months trying, why would it work out now? I didn't get too upset over it until...until the flood of pregnancy announcements show up on my blog feed, my Facebook news feed, Twitter, the newspapers, emails, from the hordes of women rushing down the street anxious to share their news with the world. PIPE DOWN. You're hurting someone's feelings over here! During this point? Me = über bitch.
Maybe you can understand this perspective: remember in the first post where I mentioned how my feelings of inadequacy were taken out on my best friend? She started trying close to the time we did, back in 2010. She's pregnant again. And this is where it hurts the most; during the time that we've been trying we could have had two kids, like they have.
I'm happy for all of you, I really am. And I shouldn't be pouting since there are even worse things that I could be going through, and that you might actually be dealing with. But pout I do, and happy for you I am, and like Yoda I talk. I'm sending well wishes and congratulatory thoughts in all of you pregnant ladies directions, and crossing my fingers that I get to share your joy one day. In order to do that, I suppose I should head back to the doctor for the test results [from the tests I had taken back in September...ya]. And once I do, maybe we can finally pinpoint why I'm so biologically backwards compared to the rest of the world.
Thanks for listening, dears. That's the last post like that for a while. Tomorrow, I'll be sharing a story about how I managed to lock myself and the dogs out of the house...that was interesting.
Showing posts with label the truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label the truth. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Wednesday, October 17, 2012
The Truth [v1.3]
As much as I really do enjoy creating a fun, creative, happy environment for you all to read and for me to write, having this outlet to also let you all know the more serious issues in my life is much appreciated. <-Therefore, if you're not up for reading about our continued fertility problems, check back again tomorrow! I'll have cheered up by then.
As you all know, I first had a huge unveiling of the fact that we've been trying for [now] over two years to conceive and expand our family. Result: diagnosed with possibly endometriosis. Next, I shared that even though we do want children eventually, we're perfectly fine ignoring the expectations of others and just being us four for now. But that we also would like to see if there's something wrong so that we know what we're facing in the future.
The rest of this actually doesn't have much to do with conception or issues with it. It mostly has to do with the fact that I'm a gigantic baby and can't handle going to the doctor.
**Side note: I recently had a conversation with my mom about how tired I am of hospitals, and how I don't want to have anymore surgeries. "Ha! What surgeries have you had?! You had ear surgeries when you were five." Compelled to come back with a legit reason why I should not want anymore surgeries, or want to deal with anymore doctors, I've comprised a list of medical issues I've faced over my lifetime:
-pneumonia, multiple times, as a child
-ear surgery on both ears
-concussion [ahem, fell of a slide in 2nd grade]
-torn meniscus in knee
-almost? fractured something in baseball. Don't try to jump over a line drive. Won't work.
-Teeth removed
-Braces <-can this count?
-moles removed
-fractured hip immediately after basic training
-wisdom teeth removed
-eye surgery
Take that, madre.**
In an attempt to go through with our plans, I had my ob-gyn put in a referral for a couple different tests. One was a [TMI] trans-vaginal ultrasound, which is no big deal. Uncomfortable, but not painful. The other was an HSG. Oh. My. God.
An HSG [TMI] is a procedure in which they insert a catheter with a balloon at the end into your uterus. They then inflate the balloon, causing your uterus to spread out, or something. The whole point is that they shoot dye through the catheter to ensure tubes are still open. Something. I don't know. I wasn't paying any attention at all. Instead, I was focused on that little balloon [think the tip of a pen] in my uterus. Since the uterus is a muscle, forcing it into an unnatural position encourages it to contract, causing menstrual like cramping in your abdomen. Number of women who don't feel anything? Very few. Number of women who describe it as bad period cramps? Majority. Number of women who are in so much pain, they have to stop the procedure? Hardly any. Hardly any = me.
I cried. A lot. Poor doctor just stood there patting my shoulder, trying to make me feel better. I was mortified. But, since there aren't any other tests to get the results, I either had to suck it up and do it again, come back another day and do it again, or just not get those results. I sucked it up. It happened again, and I still cried, but managed to make it through.
I wobble my way out to the hubby, and beg him to take me home. Hours later [or so it felt] we reached the vehicle...I collapsed inside...and started crying hysterically all over again. The pain. The frustration. The fact that no woman in the entire world should have to deal with something like this. The fact that I can't complete a very natural biological chain of events. It all just hit me, bewildering my husband, and not helping my poor uterus at all.
I'm fine now, but I'll never have an HSG done again. It was a horribly horrible day, a break down that I haven't had the likes of in quite some time. I like to think I needed it, but in reality, it was that ugly "you're not good enough to be a mom" monster raising up inside of me.
For those of you who may have to have one done in the future - ignore all of the above. I'm the minority here, the one who almost passed out getting her nose pierced, the one whose skin is constantly hurting from a multitude of bruises and scrapes. It won't happen to you.
Would anyone like to share their bad day with me? To make me feel less like such a grump and negative person?
As you all know, I first had a huge unveiling of the fact that we've been trying for [now] over two years to conceive and expand our family. Result: diagnosed with possibly endometriosis. Next, I shared that even though we do want children eventually, we're perfectly fine ignoring the expectations of others and just being us four for now. But that we also would like to see if there's something wrong so that we know what we're facing in the future.
The rest of this actually doesn't have much to do with conception or issues with it. It mostly has to do with the fact that I'm a gigantic baby and can't handle going to the doctor.
**Side note: I recently had a conversation with my mom about how tired I am of hospitals, and how I don't want to have anymore surgeries. "Ha! What surgeries have you had?! You had ear surgeries when you were five." Compelled to come back with a legit reason why I should not want anymore surgeries, or want to deal with anymore doctors, I've comprised a list of medical issues I've faced over my lifetime:
-pneumonia, multiple times, as a child
-ear surgery on both ears
-concussion [ahem, fell of a slide in 2nd grade]
-torn meniscus in knee
-almost? fractured something in baseball. Don't try to jump over a line drive. Won't work.
-Teeth removed
-Braces <-can this count?
-moles removed
-fractured hip immediately after basic training
-wisdom teeth removed
-eye surgery
Take that, madre.**
In an attempt to go through with our plans, I had my ob-gyn put in a referral for a couple different tests. One was a [TMI] trans-vaginal ultrasound, which is no big deal. Uncomfortable, but not painful. The other was an HSG. Oh. My. God.
An HSG [TMI] is a procedure in which they insert a catheter with a balloon at the end into your uterus. They then inflate the balloon, causing your uterus to spread out, or something. The whole point is that they shoot dye through the catheter to ensure tubes are still open. Something. I don't know. I wasn't paying any attention at all. Instead, I was focused on that little balloon [think the tip of a pen] in my uterus. Since the uterus is a muscle, forcing it into an unnatural position encourages it to contract, causing menstrual like cramping in your abdomen. Number of women who don't feel anything? Very few. Number of women who describe it as bad period cramps? Majority. Number of women who are in so much pain, they have to stop the procedure? Hardly any. Hardly any = me.
I cried. A lot. Poor doctor just stood there patting my shoulder, trying to make me feel better. I was mortified. But, since there aren't any other tests to get the results, I either had to suck it up and do it again, come back another day and do it again, or just not get those results. I sucked it up. It happened again, and I still cried, but managed to make it through.
I wobble my way out to the hubby, and beg him to take me home. Hours later [or so it felt] we reached the vehicle...I collapsed inside...and started crying hysterically all over again. The pain. The frustration. The fact that no woman in the entire world should have to deal with something like this. The fact that I can't complete a very natural biological chain of events. It all just hit me, bewildering my husband, and not helping my poor uterus at all.
I'm fine now, but I'll never have an HSG done again. It was a horribly horrible day, a break down that I haven't had the likes of in quite some time. I like to think I needed it, but in reality, it was that ugly "you're not good enough to be a mom" monster raising up inside of me.
For those of you who may have to have one done in the future - ignore all of the above. I'm the minority here, the one who almost passed out getting her nose pierced, the one whose skin is constantly hurting from a multitude of bruises and scrapes. It won't happen to you.
Would anyone like to share their bad day with me? To make me feel less like such a grump and negative person?
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
The Truth, v1.2
My life is going pretty well right now. I have a husband home, taking away the hours of loneliness and boredom that plagued me for six months; I will be starting school in a few months; I've started booking more and more photography sessions; I've lost weight; I've travelled, and will be taking yet another trip next week. I couldn't be happier having my other half by my side and experiencing Europe together at last.
But there's an niggling thought that constantly tickles the back of my mind.
If we had it our way, we'd be parents right now. At least have a one year old; possibly younger. Maybe we'd be due any day. You've read about my struggles in the original Truth post, and I not only feel the desire to keep you updated, but also to talk out some of the internal struggles I've been having since that day.
First and foremost; thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I wrote that post to help ease the burden I had been feeling, and received comfort, encouragement, advice, and empathy in return. I couldn't ask for anything more than to know that there are others who may not understand what I'm going through but accept me nonetheless, those who have dealt with similar issues and overcome the barriers, and the few who are still struggling by my side. You are all such amazing women that I have the honor of knowing.
Writing out my feelings definitely helped in some ways; it was great to hear that my personal feelings aren't ones that only I have, but are shared by women in similar situations. At the same time, it was incredibly awkward to have strangers, family, friends openly discuss my emotions. I'm not overly confident in talking about personal feelings, and this very drastic and sudden switch in social protocol left me reeling on more than one occasion. As uncomfortable as it all was, I did feel better talking out loud to some people. But let me update you on my feelings about our inability to have children up til now.
As much as I do desire to have children, I've come to the realization that I'm only 24. I have plenty of time, I'm young, I'm in Europe, and I'm content with taking care of my husband and two pups. I honestly don't have any desire to add to my responsibilities, especially whilst we have so many travel opportunities. Children make things difficult. I don't like difficult, at least not right now.
I've started contemplating where this need to conceive came from, and I blame the military. Everyone around us marries young, starts having children young, and divorces young. They're all in such a hurry; being 24 without a kid is an anomaly in the military world, for some reason. Once I sorted that out, I realized that the internal pressure [while it does exist] is basically nothing compared to the external pressure that I was responding to. It doesn't help when family [ahem, MIL] constantly asks about children. Settle down, woman. We'll get there at some point.
I recently had a doctor's appointment to start the battle of finding out what our issue could possibly be. I'm already lined up for a multitude of tests, x-rays, future consultations, etc., all of which are overwhelming and a constant source of worry. And while I'm no longer in any hurry to expand our little Brownderson clan, I'm also extremely curious to know what the problem is. I'd rather find out now than in five, ten, twenty years when it's too late.
I'm not giving up my dream. I do still want children, and if we were to find out tomorrow that we're pregnant, I'd be overly excited. But at the same time, I realize that our position is unique and a great opportunity. I suppose you could say that I'm feeling conflicted. In one hand, it's a relief to have a game plan that I can control, but I also feel as though I'm abandoning my conquest. I know whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I also know that sitting back and not doing a single thing to help the future will just leave me disappointed.
That's that. I'm sure a future update will occur at some point, but for now, you can bet that it'll just be the four of us for quite a while.
But there's an niggling thought that constantly tickles the back of my mind.
If we had it our way, we'd be parents right now. At least have a one year old; possibly younger. Maybe we'd be due any day. You've read about my struggles in the original Truth post, and I not only feel the desire to keep you updated, but also to talk out some of the internal struggles I've been having since that day.
First and foremost; thank you to everyone who has been so supportive. I wrote that post to help ease the burden I had been feeling, and received comfort, encouragement, advice, and empathy in return. I couldn't ask for anything more than to know that there are others who may not understand what I'm going through but accept me nonetheless, those who have dealt with similar issues and overcome the barriers, and the few who are still struggling by my side. You are all such amazing women that I have the honor of knowing.
Writing out my feelings definitely helped in some ways; it was great to hear that my personal feelings aren't ones that only I have, but are shared by women in similar situations. At the same time, it was incredibly awkward to have strangers, family, friends openly discuss my emotions. I'm not overly confident in talking about personal feelings, and this very drastic and sudden switch in social protocol left me reeling on more than one occasion. As uncomfortable as it all was, I did feel better talking out loud to some people. But let me update you on my feelings about our inability to have children up til now.
As much as I do desire to have children, I've come to the realization that I'm only 24. I have plenty of time, I'm young, I'm in Europe, and I'm content with taking care of my husband and two pups. I honestly don't have any desire to add to my responsibilities, especially whilst we have so many travel opportunities. Children make things difficult. I don't like difficult, at least not right now.
I've started contemplating where this need to conceive came from, and I blame the military. Everyone around us marries young, starts having children young, and divorces young. They're all in such a hurry; being 24 without a kid is an anomaly in the military world, for some reason. Once I sorted that out, I realized that the internal pressure [while it does exist] is basically nothing compared to the external pressure that I was responding to. It doesn't help when family [ahem, MIL] constantly asks about children. Settle down, woman. We'll get there at some point.
I recently had a doctor's appointment to start the battle of finding out what our issue could possibly be. I'm already lined up for a multitude of tests, x-rays, future consultations, etc., all of which are overwhelming and a constant source of worry. And while I'm no longer in any hurry to expand our little Brownderson clan, I'm also extremely curious to know what the problem is. I'd rather find out now than in five, ten, twenty years when it's too late.
I'm not giving up my dream. I do still want children, and if we were to find out tomorrow that we're pregnant, I'd be overly excited. But at the same time, I realize that our position is unique and a great opportunity. I suppose you could say that I'm feeling conflicted. In one hand, it's a relief to have a game plan that I can control, but I also feel as though I'm abandoning my conquest. I know whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I also know that sitting back and not doing a single thing to help the future will just leave me disappointed.
That's that. I'm sure a future update will occur at some point, but for now, you can bet that it'll just be the four of us for quite a while.
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