Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Truth, v1.2

My life is going pretty well right now.  I have a husband home, taking away the hours of loneliness and boredom that plagued me for six months; I will be starting school in a few months; I've started booking more and more photography sessions; I've lost weight; I've travelled, and will be taking yet another trip next week.  I couldn't be happier having my other half by my side and experiencing Europe together at last.

But there's an niggling thought that constantly tickles the back of my mind.

If we had it our way, we'd be parents right now.  At least have a one year old; possibly younger.  Maybe we'd be due any day.  You've read about my struggles in the original Truth post, and I not only feel the desire to keep you updated, but also to talk out some of the internal struggles I've been having since that day.

First and foremost; thank you to everyone who has been so supportive.  I wrote that post to help ease the burden I had been feeling, and received comfort, encouragement, advice, and empathy in return.  I couldn't ask for anything more than to know that there are others who may not understand what I'm going through but accept me nonetheless, those who have dealt with similar issues and overcome the barriers, and the few who are still struggling by my side.  You are all such amazing women that I have the honor of knowing.

Writing out my feelings definitely helped in some ways; it was great to hear that my personal feelings aren't ones that only I have, but are shared by women in similar situations.  At the same time, it was incredibly awkward to have strangers, family, friends openly discuss my emotions.  I'm not overly confident in talking about personal feelings, and this very drastic and sudden switch in social protocol left me reeling on more than one occasion.  As uncomfortable as it all was, I did feel better talking out loud to some people.  But let me update you on my feelings about our inability to have children up til now.

As much as I do desire to have children, I've come to the realization that I'm only 24.  I have plenty of time, I'm young, I'm in Europe, and I'm content with taking care of my husband and two pups.  I honestly don't have any desire to add to my responsibilities, especially whilst we have so many travel opportunities.  Children make things difficult.  I don't like difficult, at least not right now.

I've started contemplating where this need to conceive came from, and I blame the military.  Everyone around us marries young, starts having children young, and divorces young.  They're all in such a hurry; being 24 without a kid is an anomaly in the military world, for some reason.  Once I sorted that out, I realized that the internal pressure [while it does exist] is basically nothing compared to the external pressure that I was responding to.  It doesn't help when family [ahem, MIL] constantly asks about children.  Settle down, woman.  We'll get there at some point.

I recently had a doctor's appointment to start the battle of finding out what our issue could possibly be.  I'm already lined up for a multitude of tests, x-rays, future consultations, etc., all of which are overwhelming and a constant source of worry.  And while I'm no longer in any hurry to expand our little Brownderson clan, I'm also extremely curious to know what the problem is.  I'd rather find out now than in five, ten, twenty years when it's too late.

I'm not giving up my dream.  I do still want children, and if we were to find out tomorrow that we're pregnant, I'd be overly excited.  But at the same time, I realize that our position is unique and a great opportunity.  I suppose you could say that I'm feeling conflicted.  In one hand, it's a relief to have a game plan that I can control, but I also feel as though I'm abandoning my conquest.  I know whatever is meant to happen will happen, but I also know that sitting back and not doing a single thing to help the future will just leave me disappointed.

That's that.  I'm sure a future update will occur at some point, but for now, you can bet that it'll just be the four of us for quite a while.


  1. I wish I had some words of wisdom for you, but sadly, I don't. Just know that y'all are in my thoughts, and I'm here to talk if you need someone!

  2. You are an amazing young woman. I have told other young people this before...I love you and your 3 siblings very much. I can't imagine my life without the 4 of you, BUT there are many other parts to me. Having children is not the end all be all. Having children is great, but there is also a lot of other things out there. If you were to never have children that would be o.k. I promise. If you have 12 that would be o.k., too.

    I am sorry that I ask all the time, too. I don't necessarily want to know about you guys having children. I want you to go to the doctor and make sure that there isn't a major medical issue....and I don't mean infertility as a major medical issue. I mean other big medical issues.

    The great thing is that you and Timmy get to decide what is best for your family. Don't let other people, especially us moms, pressure you into anything.

    I love you,


  3. I am very proud of you that you are finding out what the problem is now instead of waiting. That is incredibly smart! Since you are in Europe, I believe, if I heard correctly, there could be a test that can be done to see if exposure to too much plastic could be a possibility (plastic has tons of toxins). Another thing to look at while you are in Europe as in America there are no tests available yet...would be to check for GMO contamination. Europe is fairly advanced in many medical areas where we are very, very behind here.

    Anyway, my whole point is that you have a very unique opportunity that many other couples just do not have---a TRUE outside opinion! :)

  4. I admire your sensibilities my dear! And your honesty. I totally understand what you're saying about the military's one of the reasons I refused to live on base in Virginia. 24 and childless is uncharted territory, lol. But anyway, I loved reading this and I'm happy for you that things are going well. You'll definitely have a wealth of information and life experience to dump on your lucky children which I firmly believe you will have one day!! When you are ready.

  5. I'm trying to figure out this whole baby making thing too. It's a struggle.
    I support you guys in whatever you decide! :)


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