Tuesday, May 15, 2012

The Truth

I'm not good with feelings.  I'm not good with emotions.  I'm absolutely terrible when it comes to opening up and describing what's going on in my head.  Timmy and I have been married for almost two years, have known each other for four, and I still have difficulties being completely honest with him.  Not that I lie; I just don't want to talk about anything serious.  But between him, my mom, and my best friend, I manage to do so a little.  Not a lot.  That's where this comes in.  I'm trying very hard to change this fact, mostly because I know I can't deal with everything on my own, and know that there is no one in my life that can relate to what I'm going through.  But perhaps somewhere in this blogging community, I can find support.

This blog post has been sitting, waiting for a few months now for me to build up the courage to release it to the world.  I'm terrified.  I'm shaking.  I'm admittedly crying, but just a little.  I'm resolved.

I need to describe a little back story before I get to my issue.

Timmy and I married on July 20, 2010.  We eloped in a small town in Northern California, just a little over a month after he proposed.  It was quick, it was small, and it was perfect.  One month later, we started to try for a family.

Before you say anything, I know: we're too young, it's too soon, we're not ready.  I've heard it all, and maybe you're right.  But I don't agree.

I was fastidious in the effort.  I kept track of everything on calendars, I watched for any little sign that could indicate we had succeeded, and I raced to the bathroom to take a pregnancy test every month.  And every month it turned up negative.  This effort, this future we would share together, became almost unbearable.

A year goes by.  I'm heartbroken, ashamed, desperate, and angry.  I lost a great friend because I was envious and resentful of her life, and couldn't understand why I couldn't have the same.  I cried, I begged, and I shouted; Timmy was there through it all, but I don't think he ever understood just how deep it went.

After we left California last September, I pushed it all down.  If I was honest with myself, things had actually worked out; I couldn't imagine moving to another country with a baby, or while pregnant.  It didn't change my feelings though.  But instead of talking about it with anyone, I decided it was best kept to myself.  Previously, having been open with a small group of friends at our last base, I had let on about the basics.  It ended up with some being genuinely sorry for our ordeal, and others starting to keep their distance.  No one wanted to mention children around me.  No one understood what I was going through.  Everyone tried to tell me it would be okay, everything would work out, it just needed time.  What I needed was for people to stop talking to me like that.  So I just quit mentioning it.

When we arrive in Germany, I made a small group of friends.  They know that we've been trying, but that's all.  I pretend like it doesn't bother me, and they leave me alone about it.  If there are any questions, I brush it off or lie.  I don't need to lose anyone else because of my selfishness.

The truth of the matter is, it's still hard.  I don't track anything anymore or take pregnancy tests because I honestly just can't handle it.  I pretend that it doesn't bother me when I hear someone got pregnant, or that I hate seeing women who are 15-18 years old and have children.  I make jokes about how happy I am I don't have my own little rugrat running around to clean up after, and that I'm so much happier the way my life is now.  None of it's real.

I feel ashamed that I can't perform a very natural biological string of events.  I'm ashamed that I'm so angry and selfish.  I'm ashamed I can't fulfill my husband's desires to be a father.  I'm ashamed that I let my personal feelings ruin one of the best friendships I ever had.  I'm angry that I have let this turn me into a monster, albeit a hidden one.  I'm angry that I resent the people I love for being so lucky.  I'm angry that crack-whores can have children so easily while I have such a difficult time, but that one doesn't bother me as much.  I'm angry that it's been 21 months and still nothing.

Timmy finally convinced me to see a doctor about it.  I was absolutely terrified; they say ignorance is bliss, and in this case it was true.  I don't want to know that something is horribly wrong with me.  I'd rather be ignorant.  I've been diagnosed with possible endometriosis [which can cause difficulty getting pregnant], and the only way to find out for sure [and to fix the issue] is by exploratory surgery.  I don't want surgery.  I don't want to have to go to a doctor.  I want to be normal.

I deal with this on a daily basis.  Some days aren't so bad; I can honestly see it being just Timmy & I for the rest of our lives, and being okay with that.  Other days are horrible; I lock myself in my house to hide from the world.  Other days are in between.  A mixture of good and bad and a mask that I put on.  Maybe I shouldn't let this effect me so badly, but I can't help it.  I can't let it go, I can't be okay with it, I can't help thinking about it every single day.

I understand that I haven't been trying for 15 years to have a child, and that it's much more difficult for other women.  I'm not trying to take away from those who know they can't have children at all, or who have to do so with IVF or surrogacy.  I get that I only feel a fraction of what they're going through.  Despite all of that, all of my emotions run so deeply and I can't shut them off or feel better about the fact that others have it worse than I.

I have to see a fertility specialist when Timmy gets home.  My recent visit to the doctor raised enough concern to send me off base to a local German doctor to figure out what's wrong.  I'm terrified, anxious, hopeful, despairing.  I'm amazed I can feel all of that at once.

I don't know what the issue is, nor do I know what the answer will be.  I do know, however, that no matter the outcome, this will not define me.  I will never simply be "the woman who can't have children." I am so much more than that.  I am a wife, a daughter, a sister, a dog lover, a bookworm.  It won't be easy, but this issue will not control my life.  I refuse to let it take over.

This post might be a one time deal, the only time I open up about my personal issues.  It may become a regular outlet, a way to get everything off my chest.  Whatever the case, I do hope that letting this out will relieve some of the stress and anxiety that has been plaguing me since 2010.

I don't want your pity.  I don't want your insincere support because you feel obligated.  I'm honestly not looking for anything.  I just needed to talk about it, openly, for once in my life without getting sneers or angry replies or that look of discomfort because of the topic.  Mostly, I needed to admit to myself that I have a legitimate problem that is ruining me.  Maybe this will help me heal.


  1. English, I've been contemplating writing you about this for some time but thought it best until you opened the door. You know I feel you girl. With you all the way. And here for you ALL THE TIME!

  2. 1. I'm right there with you about not opening up or even really being honest about my own feelings.

    2. Kinda jealous you eloped

    3.I'm sorry. I know the pain of waiting and it sucks. Really sucks. I pray that your next appt goes well. My sil has endometriosis and while it took 8 long years to get pregnant she is due with their second child any day now. Praying for you!!

  3. I have no idea what this feels like, but I have an inkling through your very honest writing. I don't have kids, but haven't tried. I sometimes worry that I have left it too late, but nothing on this scale.

    A number of my friends have had heartbreaking experiences of lost pregnancies and really struggled to get pregnant. It worked out for them. I hope it works out for you too.

    Feeling powerlessness to change your situation is something I can empathise with.

    I will have my fingers crossed for your appointment.

    Rosie xx

  4. "I'm angry that crack-whores can have children so easily while I have such a difficult time, but that one doesn't bother me as much." -- I don't know if this was meant to be light-hearted, but I'll admit it made me a giggle a little.
    But oh English, how I miss you! Don't worry, I won't start the pity parade. I just want to let you know I think you're very brave for opening up about this. Do what you gotta do. And I hope your days brighten up :)

    1. Thanks, Elaynie. I what definitely a joke. I can't stand being serious for too long, it makes me angry. I miss you guys too! Timmy & I are thinking of heading to SoCal sometime next year, it would be awesome if you could meet us there! And thanks for the support. I think this is one of the most difficult things I've ever done.

  5. Wow - I can't necessarily say I know where you're coming from (I have never tried to have a baby myself) but wow. That is such a big deal you are dealing with. And it needs to be talked about.

    I always tell the kids I teach that there's no such thing as a stupid question or thing to say (to which they reply with a whole bombardment of stupidity. Grr!) but it is true where teenagers aren't involved.

    There will be people just like you reading this right now and who will be so glad that someone said how they feel.

    I wish you love luck and happiness whatever your journey involves - really I do.

    Advice from me? Try to see the positive wherever you can and just ride out the wave. Try not to fight it.

    Keep brave and keep on keeping on.

    Take care,


  6. It took me a very long time to learn to open up. Taking that first step is difficult, but I think you have taken it here.

    Try not to feel guilty about your feelings. There is always someone who has it worse, but that does not make your experiences and feelings any less valid. They are yours, and you have every right to feel them.

    I wish you all the best, I think you will find that you have a lot of support in the blog world.

  7. You don't need advice, but you do need a hug. So...as silly as it seems...here is a great big Texas size hug coming from my side of the web! My shoulder has lots of experience being cried on and you can get a hug and/or a shoulder anytime you need it. :)

    There are things I have not posted on the internet, but in some ways, I do know what you are going through. Keep your chin up, tomorrow is another day. ;)

  8. English, I think you are so brave for putting this all out there and being so publicly honest!

    I'll never give you medical advice, or bombard you with others' success stories, or say that it will eventually happen. The fact is I don't know what will happen in the future.

    But I AM here for you. And I WILL be praying for you.

    All my love,

  9. English, thank you for sharing. Having watched Wendi go through this, I really feel for anyone going through infertility. I see people with this through work, but as I do a lot of OB, I worry how I'd respond when/if I had trouble conceiving (not trying yet... almost scared to, though). You are in my thoughts/prayers! - Tara

  10. This was beautifully written. I realize that probably wasn't a priority when you got it out, but it shone through anyway.

    I feel for you. I won't get into my own issues with pregnancy and starting a family, but I have them, though they're different from yours. I am glad that you have your husband's support in this.

    Also, whether you decide to never do this again or make it a habit on your blog, you'll have my support!! Words heal, they really do. Even though sometimes it's like pulling teeth to get them out.

    I feel the same anger and frustration and jealousy, not over people with children, but over people with families. And loving parents. And there are a lot of those out there, so I really do understand that part of it. A very pointless want for things that other people have. I've lost friends over that too.

    I can't give you any more advice, because I don't have any answers. You're doing everything right. But if writing it out does help, keep doing it!!

    This artificial redhead has your back--I love you girlfrand!!!!

  11. Okay. I can honestly say I know EXACTLY what you are feeling. I have endometerosis and interstitial cystitis - I've had two two different surgeries {one to diagnose - one to remove} and I've had moments where I thought conception was impossible. In fact, I was told William and I had very slim chances. But you know what- it happened! Keep your chin up - I am here if you want to talk - I'd love to help you any way that I can.



  12. I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


  13. oh english, i'm hugging you through the miles and the internet distance between us. thank you for sharing your story.

  14. Holy moly. We've been sort of having the same issues. Every month I'm disappointed, and I don't let anyone know, because you're right - people will say things like, "Oh, you're too young, you're still in a transitional period of your life, you've only been married about 2 years, blah blah blah." But you know what? I've been terrified that something's wrong with me (although we haven't been trying for more than 9 months, but that seems like FOREVER to me), and terrified to let anyone else know that I'm legitimately afraid that there could be something keeping me from getting pregnant, because I don't think anyone knows how badly we want kids right now. I guess we've kinda taken the view that it'll happen when it happens, but every month that it doesn't happen... it's pretty disappointing .

  15. You are an emotional apple that fell not far from your mama's brave-hearted tree girl. We had trouble at the beginning of our marriage as well and I had a lot of similar feelings as you. Big sigh, no advice...just support. Ok, maybe some advice but I'm old and have earned the right to give it...keep sharing your heart, it's healthy and you're good at it.

  16. I do get it because I was diagnosed with PCOS. I've been off of BC for over two years now and still nadda. On top of that my husband doesn't want to conceive unless its natural, too bad I can't. So add all those feelings in and it just sucks. I'm sorry you are going through this but I do hope you aren't alone.


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