Saturday, June 30, 2012

Let's Talk

I'm considering about making Let's Talk a new series on this site.  A bi-weekly addition to the blog that allows myself and all of you readers to contemplate and discuss more serious issues in our lives, rather than oohing and aahing over my awesome buffet [but you can do that, too, I promise].  I will not be letting these serious discussions take over the blog on a daily basis, but it could be nice to have outside input and differing viewpoints to compare your own with.  Would this be something that would interest all of you?  If so, please let me know, either via comment or email.  Danke!

This post has two parts, and covers a topic that has been on my mind a lot lately.  I would love to hear your input on both topics, which are related, and what you practice in your own life.

Part One: The Gossip
Gossip is a battle everyone [not only women] fights.  We are taught from a young age that it is wrong to slander others behind their back, it is wrong to talk about anyone else period, especially in a negative light or by revealing trusted secrets.  Yet we are seem to be unable to stop.  Whether you are religious, atheist, woman, man, young, middle aged, elderly, Chinese, African, or from Mars; gossip is a part of our daily lives, whether we participate or are victims.

In my honest, humble, and probably wrong opinion, I don't think that talking is always a bad thing.  Is it okay to spread rumors?  Should you repeat sworn secrets that a friend entrusted to you?  Should you belittle others to make yourself feel better, or as revenge?  Of course, no is the answer to all of those questions.  But what about the situations in which you need a second opinion, an outside source to offer a fresh point of view?  What if you have been offended by a friend, but take the matter to someone else to make sure you haven't blown it out of proportion?


Casual or unconstrained conversation or reports about other people, typically involving details that are not confirmed as being true.

In the technical definition, just discussing your issues with someone else is not considered gossip.  But because these discussions can typically be one sided and extremely biased when being reported, it appears to be a very fine line, and can often be misconstrued by other parties.  Is it still okay?

In all honesty, I do bring my troubles concerning someone to an outside source, mostly to make sure I am not being overdramatic.  But there are definitely time when I am feeling vicious, and make malicious comments about others out of anger or high emotion.  I'm not proud of this, and work on curbing my tongue daily.  I know how it feels to be talked about unkindly, and have heard quite a few outrageous rumors in the past.  I try to live by a standard I set for others, but sometimes what is right loses to what feels right at the time.  Do you battle the gossip nature?  How do you handle it?  What is your approach when a friend starts talking about rumors/unproven facts?

Part Two: Husband & Wife
In our house, I tell my husband everything.  Doesn't matter whether he wants to know or not, he's going to hear it [although in his defense, hearing and listening are two different things, so he may not know half of what I think he does...].  If I have a problem, have a story, hear something amazing, see something awkward, feel confused; el hubbo is the first person I want to run to, and usually do.

I read on Facebook the other day [it all comes back to Facebook, huh?] the status of a woman who is recently divorced, and complaining about an unnamed married lady who told her husband private information about the divorced woman.  There was actually a huge debate going on [which I followed with unabashed interest] on whether this is okay or wrong; are there things you shouldn't tell your significant other?  In the original woman's opinion, you shouldn't tell your husband anything.  Her opinion may have been a little tainted by her experience being married, though.  Other women, married/unmarried/young/old, all differed.  Some said that there should be no walls period in a relationship; others said that some things are best left unsaid; and the rest felt as though friendship and marriage should be completely separate.

To be clear, this is not a discussion on whether you should tell your partner everything about yourself, your history, what you had for lunch today, whether or not you should have children; that is all a matter of personal preference and pillow talk.  This is dealing with gossip.  Should you or should you not tell your partner everything you know about your friends?

While I tell hubby most things, I never try to incorporate a friend's personal activities/feelings into the conversation.  If someone lets me know that they have to see a marriage counselor for relationship issues, but specifically requests that I tell no one including my husband, then your secret is safe with me.  If you let me know that you're planning on buying a puppy, I might just tell him.  Mostly because I like dogs, and get excited when someone else buys one.  And in relation to part one, I often tell him my problems or issues with others so he can help sort out what is legitimate, and what I'm taking too far.  If you haven't guessed, I'm quite hot headed, and can boil over at the tiniest thing.  Sorry, friends.

I probably do tell my husband too much about my friends, and definitely more than he would like to hear, but I also try my hardest to respect their unspoken wish if it is something they would not like to be known.  How does your relationship work with your partner?  Am I wrong in my habits?  Do you think gossip can be detrimental to a marriage [in the respect of bringing outside gossip into the home.  Talking about your personal life to friends is a conversation for another day].  


  1. Ah - gossip. The thing we hate to love and love to hate (and hardly ever admit to doing!!)

    It's interesting that last little cartoon with the counselor - counselors have dedicated senior counselors and sessions where they can offload the things they've heard from their clients in a safe and confidential way.

    The same with my volunteering with the Samaritans. We are encouraged to offload to each other (as that is still confidential therefore) but the fact is - we need to offload.

    I think offloading to a partner is OK - as long as you make it clear what can and can't be repeated.

    But gossip.... that becomes a form of offloading for us I think.

    As well as just being a naughty schoolkid leftover.

    I try my hardest not to gossip but sometimes it gets me and drags me into it's grasp.

    I'm not perfect - what can I say?

    Great idea for a series btw.


  2. There is actually no one else I trust outside of my husband to tell information to. He and I are each others best friends and really do tell each other everything. I am sure some married couples would be horrified at some of the things we discuss...but I have learned the hard way that there are few women I trust...not even in my family. Sad, but true. I think your habits are fine, you don't sound like someone who would be malicious and that is a great thing! :)

  3. I wish I didn't but I'd be lying if I said I didn't gossip. It's a vicious cycle but I am honestly trying to get better at it. Since I don't get to see my girlfriends as much, my gossiping has severely been lowered and I'm pretty happy about it.

    On the other note, I am the same way with my husband. I pretty much tell him everything unless I was asked not to or I morally know it would be wrong or not in anyones best interest. He's my partner and pretty much my best friend so of course I'm going to bounce ideas, feelings, and stories off him.

  4. P.S. I think this is an awesome idea for a series. I was just thinking about something similar to this today. I used to have a Hot Topic Tuesday series where I talked about more serious issues and I've been wanting to bring it back on some level. Love this girl.


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