Out of Sorts

About three weeks ago, I received some not so fantastic news.  Tim had been asked to go out on another deployment.  If you don't remember, we went through the exact same thing almost a year ago right after we moved here to Germany.  He's been home for six months.  He left for another six months.  I had three weeks to prepare.  I am a freaking disastrous wreck.
I dropped him off at the terminal this morning, and experienced something I hadn't felt on any of our other deployments together.  Complete fear.  For some reason, this one is hitting me so much harder than the other ones, and I'm already losing my mind.  I really contemplated unpacking all of his bags, throwing his stuff away, and refusing to take him to the airport so he couldn't leave.

yes, i'm being slightly over dramatic in this picture.  and yes, i do take pictures of myself as i cry...it's part of life.

I'm usually not so much of a crybaby, nor am I looking for pity.  But these hard days are a part of life, and since I document everything on camera to share with the world, it only seems fitting that you get to see the more personal side of our everyday.
I'm a lucky girl in other aspects.  At least this time I have more friends, a job, and plans to fill my time for the next six months.  You won't see me moping around forever [as a rule, I only get one pity day per deployment].  Instead, look forward to hearing about a trip to Amsterdam, a new tattoo, my days as a para educator, and maybe even a quick jaunt home to Minnesota to catch up with family.  These six months won't be the easiest without my best friend to experience life with me, but I'll be damned if I don't come away with some funny stories at least!  Hope you all are having a wonderful week, and can't wait to catch up with you guys for Friday's Letters :)

Then there was one

I dropped Timmy off yesterday morning to ship out to the desert. Before I get into exactly how I feel about him leaving, I thought I would answer the multitude of questions I've been asked that basically boil down to "why are you letting him deploy?"

1) Good timing. We are at a great point in our marriage, I feel comfortable enough to be alone in our new country, and he won't miss anything crucial while he's gone. Originally Timmy was supposed to leave in August, which meant gone for Christmas. We would much rather him be here for that, so why not go now?

2) No children. I get that there will still be deployments after we have kids, but I guess I'm kind of hoping that if we get enough out of the way now, there won't be as much of a need for him to miss birthdays or holidays later on.

3) If he doesn't go, someone else will. Timmy actually replaced someone who couldn't deploy due to legitimate medical reasons. If he hadnt volunteered then perhaps someone about to have a baby, or who has I'll family members, or whose marriage is on the rocks would have had to go instead. It definitely isn't easy for us, but probably tons less stressful than for others.

4) We've been lucky. Most families I know, the military member is home for a year and gone for six months. Timmy has been home for 2.5 years, waaaay longer than is normal. We don't want to push our luck. :/

5) It's our decision.  Much easier to deal with something you choose to do rather than having to adapt to someone telling you that you have to.  Make sense?

Despite the fact that we made this decision together, and we are both perfectly okay with our choice, it doesn't necessarily make it easy.  I'm getting ready to spend six months away from my husband, my best friend, my other half.  Of course I'm not happy that he'll be away, and am already looking forward to the day he gets home, but it would have happened whether we like it or not.  At least we got to make the decision of when.

Hopefully I've helped shine a light on our decision making process and the incredulous reactions will stop. Others' responses actually puts me in the same mindset of this blog post in which I share my feelings on men/women who do everything possible to get out of deployments and PCSing.  I still feel the same way, and wish I could knock some sense into the women who say "I would never let my husband do that."  You married into the military.  You don't get a choice in the "letting."  Why not get over yourself and deal with it?  Harsh?  Possibly.  Realistic?  Yes.

I'm going to go home now, sit with my dogs, and get back to life.  My husband isn't here, but I don't get to mope and cry forever; I had my day, time to get on with it.  In six months, I'll get to write a post announcing his return home and how happy I am.  Can't wait!