Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Truth [v1.4]

This post may or may not make much sense.  It's an outpouring of words that have been cooped up for quite a while, and my eyes hurt too much to proofread.  Apologies if it's whacky!

It's hard to believe that almost a year ago, I wrote a post describing our journey to try and start a family, and labeled in The Truth.  We've had ups and downs, but mostly I just try not to talk about it too much. Who wants to listen to the whiney ginger go on about how angry she is?  No one.  I know this.  But, since I receive so many encouraging emails and questions from curious readers, it's time to write a quick update about where we are in our effort to have a child.
If you don't know, Timmy deployed this past January on a short notice jaunt to the desert.  3 weeks notice.  Not enough time to plan!  But we had one more opportunity to really try to conceive.  I'm sure you may be thinking of a certain post where I touched on how I'm not pushing to get pregnant anymore because we enjoy having time to do the things we like, but sometimes feelings change.  Reasons why we were ready to make it happen before he left: 1) He would for sure be here when the baby was born. 2) I have a part time job, which would help us save up enough in the financial department to ensure we could provide the things we want to for a newborn.  3) My family is coming out for Christmas this year, so they would for sure get to see it.  4)  Timmy finally told me how he feels about all of this.  His decision?  If we aren't pregnant by the time we leave Germany, then we're adopting.
These are just some reasons.  The rest are internal, too hard to describe with mere words, on top of this timeline that we've given ourselves to make our dreams happen.  Needless to say, I'm feeling the pressure.
But.  It didn't work.
I'm not pregnant; no surprise there.  We've spent 2 years and 8 months trying, why would it work out now?  I didn't get too upset over it until...until the flood of pregnancy announcements show up on my blog feed, my Facebook news feed, Twitter, the newspapers, emails, from the hordes of women rushing down the street anxious to share their news with the world.  PIPE DOWN.  You're hurting someone's feelings over here!  During this point?  Me = über bitch.
Maybe you can understand this perspective: remember in the first post where I mentioned how my feelings of inadequacy were taken out on my best friend?  She started trying close to the time we did, back in 2010.  She's pregnant again.  And this is where it hurts the most; during the time that we've been trying we could have had two kids, like they have.
I'm happy for all of you, I really am.  And I shouldn't be pouting since there are even worse things that I could be going through, and that you might actually be dealing with.  But pout I do, and happy for you I am, and like Yoda I talk.  I'm sending well wishes and congratulatory thoughts in all of you pregnant ladies directions, and crossing my fingers that I get to share your joy one day.  In order to do that, I suppose I should head back to the doctor for the test results [from the tests I had taken back in September...ya].  And once I do, maybe we can finally pinpoint why I'm so biologically backwards compared to the rest of the world.
Thanks for listening, dears.  That's the last post like that for a while.  Tomorrow, I'll be sharing a story about how I managed to lock myself and the dogs out of the house...that was interesting.


  1. Needless to say I know how you feel. Your feelings are totally normal and it SUCKS. I used to say, "Wait a minute, we didn't get passed. We just got LAPPED!"

  2. Hi I'm Heather! Please email me when you get a chance, I have a question about your blog! LifesABanquet1(at)gmail.com

  3. As someone who has seen much of the pain you're going through (and being worried about it myself, for myself with my older eggs, and feeling lapped but not having even "started the race" yet), I feel for you. Thanks for your honest thoughts... and I'm thinking of you.

  4. Not being pregnant when we want to be pregnant has been hard this year to take with the onslaught of bloggy baby announcements. Going through what I did, I was happy yet devastated that it happened but I had to think about the struggles others go through and try to find the positive, which is really effin' hard.

    Here's to hoping we get the babies we long for.

  5. I don't know if this will make you feel any better- but we too have been trying for 2 years and 8 months. Still not pregnant, and I know exactly how you feel. I made an appt to see a new RE next week and of course hoping that it won't take much longer but I am always here if you want to email back and forth about it - with someone who definitely understands. I mean the groups I joined when I was an oh so excited newlywed, most of them have lapped me and now even the ones with twins talking about well we'll just wait just posted their BFPs. It completely sucks. But enough before I really go on a rant here. Just wanted to let you know that I feel you with this one!


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