Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Awful Confession

I admittedly rely on my husband a TON when he's around, but during the days that he's away I've come to realize how independent and self-reliant I can be.  Need to hang new curtains on rods that are about ten feet off the ground?  No problem.  Take care of dogs, work, chores, school, and social life by myself?  Got it.  Not kill myself from boredom when the only things I ever talk to are dogs and the straight iron (which seems to never realize what its job entails...STRAIGHT, dammit)?  Done and done.  But recently it hit me that I'm almost too good at these things, and I've begun to worry that DH coming home might be more difficult than the last time.

I don't know how to be married anymore.

Not to say that I'm living up some single life, hitting the town every weekend or chatting up boys.  But I don't remember what it's like to have to take care of two people instead of one, or how to share the load, or how to share a bed with another human being.  I don't know how to be part of a team instead of army of one.  And that, my friends, breaks my heart into pieces.

The time is drawing closer to when DH will be walking down that long hallway in the passenger terminal, ABUs faded from desert sun and A-bags in hand.  He'll have raccoon eyes from wearing sunglasses too much during the day, will think it's cold during our summer after dealing with 120 degree temps, and will want real food as soon as we step out the terminal doors.  I'm terrified because all I can think of is how will he know when Sass needs to be let out?  He doesn't have a clue where I put anything in the kitchen, I'll have to play tour guide in our own house.  Does he even know how to get home?  What about dog walks when I'm not there?  How am I going to fit him into my schedule?  The man will have served six months on deployment, and all I can think about is how we're going to get back to where we were before.  Am I a horrible person?  Yes.  But I don't know how to fix this.  My husband has become a computer face, a text message that arrives intermittently throughout the day, an email asking me how I'm doing.  I make plans with this electronic figure and schedule vacations or dates, but it doesn't compute that he will transform into a real human in the very new future.

Calling all expert military spouses in the world: what should I do?  How do I prepare myself for a room mate when all I've experienced for so long is living on my own?


  1. I don't have any advice for you, but I want you to know you aren't alone. The sentence "I don't know how to be married anymore."....I get that. I am still there and it has been two months since my husband got home. I hope you get some good advice here, because I need it as well. It's so hard to go "back to normal" when normal isn't really your normal.

  2. I know our marriages are (ahem, were, in my case) VERY!! different but I can relate to this totally, because not only was my marriage long distance, but in fact ALL my relationships have been long distance....and actually my current boyfriend lives 2 hours away and we only see each other three weekends a month. And for me that time is OVERWHELMING.

    But all I can offer as advice is this..."All I can think about is how we're going to get back to where we were before." You won't, ever. Time only goes in one direction and you, neither of you two, are the same person you were a year ago, or when you got married, or even two months ago. The good aspect to that is that you've both probably matured and improved in awesome amazing ways....like the photo tour that you did that I was drooling over on Facebook. So when you are together again it will be a whole new world of discovering each others awesomeness. So just don't expect things to go back to how they were, it just won't happen. Look at it as a new beginning and not hitting play after being on pause for so long. Or trying to hit rewind.

    Henri and I have already decided to move in together (oh god) after my au pair job is done which won't be until 2014, and I'm already wondering how on earth I can let another human occupy my space constantly. Even another human that I love so much I want to hug him until his head pops off his body. It's definitely harder for some people more than others. But nobody ever said relationships were easy.

    At worst you can turn your blog into a series of angry wife rants wherein you talk about how comical it is to live with a clueless husband who is totally oblivious to your routine. I'd read it. :)

  3. I go through this every time the hubster leaves. Funny thing, I'm actually more motivated, healthier, and more active when he's gone. Hey, somebody has to get things done, right? And every time he comes back, I have to work on being married again. It just doesn't seem natural, but the military always like to throw us through curveballs like this. Hang in there.

  4. Wow! I don't have any advice because my recent 4 day California vacation was the longest my husband and I have been apart- but I do wonder if I would have the same reaction as you. It would be pretty easy to get comfortable with all that bed space, and generally being my own company, like it was before we were together.

    I give you a lot of credit, 6 months (?) is a long time!


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